i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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