The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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