He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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