Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
