I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
