Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize