My first STD was from a foam party
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
