so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
