It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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