i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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