Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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