apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize