I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
