Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
