So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
