Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
