I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize