i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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