Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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