I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
