My boss' voice literally gives me gas
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
