the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
