You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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