If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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