Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
