shes about as inviting as chlamydia
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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