im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
