i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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