do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
