That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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