before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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