i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
this boner is exhausting
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize