God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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