Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
