seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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