i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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