She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
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