Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
