it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
