i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
