You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
