My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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