I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
