My room smells like vodka and shame
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
