bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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