i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
