I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
too bad you live with your parents still
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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