6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
