I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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