Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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