haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
