I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
