I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
