Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
