i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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