my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
