Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
