he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize