So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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