I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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