so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
