so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
