shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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