I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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