Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
