Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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