I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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